ORPHEUM THEATRE STAGE DOOR, LOS ANGELES

Alex and Jimmy wait in the ticket line outside the Orpheum Theatre.  They cross stage by degrees, slowly headed past the Stage Door.  Maluu stands guard.  Alex enters followed by Jimmy.


ALEX:  I think that was him!  I think we just missed him!  We just missed him! 

JIMMY: Darn.

ALEX:  We'll see him onstage.  (displaying a ROYCE T-shirt)  How cool is it Mom left money for Royce T-shirts -- ?

JIMMY:  Ee-yah.  I might sell mine. 

ALEX:  Sell it?  Then who's gonna know you got to see Royce?

JIMMY:  I'm not that into Royce.  He only sings the one song.

ALEX:  But it's his hit!  He's got to sing his hit!  (off Stage Door)  Hey, Stage Door!   Maybe we can get Royce to autograph our T-shirts after!  (to Maluu)  Excuse me.  Can we get Royce to autograph our T-shirts --?

MALUU:  This ain't the Stage Door.  No autographs.  Keep moving.  You're not allowed backstage so don't even ask.

JIMMY:  So who's asking?

MALUU:  So move along.

JIMMY:  Who wants to see Royce anyway?

MALUU:  (to Alex) Is he with you?

ALEX:  Jimmy.  Cut it out.  You're going to get us expelled. 

JIMMY:  Gimme the tickets.  Where are these seats anyway?

ALEX:  Row W.

JIMMY:  W?!

ALEX:  Double W.

JIMMY:  The back of the balcony!?  We're not going to see anything from the nosebleed!  

ALEX:  So what do you care?  If you're into Royce, you don't mind the balcony 'cause Royce is big.  Huge.  Royce is like Royce Superstar.

JIMMY:  Right, well, you know how stars always thank the little people?  Royce is gonna be thanking you - (measuring with his fingers)  -- 'cause from where he's standing, you're gonna be this big.  (Snap!, eyeing the Stage Door)  I know!  You wanna sneak backstage?  I bet we can.

ALEX:  No way.  You're gonna get us in trouble.  You go if you want to.  I'm staying here.

JIMMY:  Don't be a wuss. 

ALEX:  We're not supposed to split up.  Your parents are supposed to pick us up after the concert.

JIMMY:  Got news for you, Pee Wee.  My parents aren't picking us up.  I told them yours were -- so I'm out as long as I want.

ALEX:  But how are we supposed to get home?  Don't leave.  Use the tickets.  It'll be cool all the same.

JIMMY:   Look.  Don't pretend like you don't know what's going on, okay?  You and me are not such friends.  You get good grades but I'm the one with friends.  So I know what's going on here 'cause, you know, people have tried to buy me before.

ALEX:  I'm not trying to buy you.

JIMMY:  Right.  The tickets, the T-shirt, and your mom didn't tell my mom "you need friends." 

ALEX:  She did not say that.

JIMMY:  I'm heading backstage.  And don't go crying I ditched you, okay?  You asked to be ditched!

ALEX:  But you don't even like Royce!  Why do you want to go backstage if you don't even like him? 

JIMMY:  (Exiting to scope the stage door)  Are you kidding?  Backstage is cool! 

ALEX:  But Jimmy -- !

Alex sings.  SONG:  THE RULES OF COOL

I WANNA-BE COOL
BUT I GET IT ALL WRONG. 

WHEN I'M WITH THE COOL KIDS,
I JUST TAG-ALONG.

I WANNA-BE COOL
BUT I'LL NEVER BELONG. 

"WANNA-BE"'S THE NAME OF THIS SONG.

DON'T BE A GEEK.

DON'T DRESS LIKE A FOOL.

NO MATTER WHAT, DON'T DO GOOD IN SCHOOL.

THESE ARE THE RULES OF COOL. 
THE RULES OF COOL.

GOT MYSELF DITCHED!

I'M NOT COOL, I'M A FOOL!

STANDING HERE WIDE-EYED, I MIGHT AS WELL DROOL.

I BREAK ALL THE RULES OF COOL. 
THE RULES OF COOL.

(spoken)

Fool!  Look at me! 

Alex eyes the stage door.  

MALUU:  Don't even think about it.

JIMMY:  (Returning)  This isn't going to work.  I can't get past the witch at the door.

ALEX:  Just hang out here, Jimmy, we'll use the --

JIMMY:  I'm not hanging with you, Alex, so forget about it.  Friends,  I don't need; what I need is ideas.

ALEX:  I'll think of something.

JIMMY:  (Exiting)  You?  Oh, yeah, I forgot.  Straight A's.  Ha!  Lo-ser.

ALEX

KIDS CAN BE MEAN,

KIDS CAN BE CRUEL.

MAYBE YOU GOTTA 

IF YOU WANNA BE COOL.


I COULD BE MEAN.

I COULD BE CRUEL.

MAYBE I OUTTA 

'CAUSE I GOTTA BE COOL.

Alex's cell phone rings.  Ack!

Hello?

Alex's MOM appears.

ALEX’S MOM:  Alex?  It's your mother.  Are you having a good time?

ALEX:  Mom!

ALEX’S MOM:  And how is Jimmy?

JIMMY:  (Returning)  I give up.  We're stuck in nosebleed.  Unless maybe --

ALEX:  I can't talk right now, Mom.  

ALEX’S MOM:  I understand.  You're busy.  Tell Royce I said hi!

ALEX:  Mom!

ALEX’S MOM:  And remember!  Don't lose my cell phone!

He hangs up.  Alex's Mom exits.  Alex eyes the cell phone.  Ding! 

 

ALEX:  Mom's cell phone!  That's it!

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?

JUST A SLAP ON THE WRIST.

IF I'M GONNA BE COOL,

I GOTTA TAKE A RISK!
Maluu: THESE ARE THE RULES OF COOL.
THE RULES OF COOL.

ALEX:  Jimmy!  Wait!  I got an idea.

JIMMY:  You?  What kind of idea?

Alex punches buttons on the cell phone. 

ALEX:  STRIKE WHILE I'M HOT. 

BEFORE I RUN OUT OF FUEL.

I CAN'T BE COOL,

IF I CAN'T BREAK A RULE.  

Jimmy:  THESE ARE THE RULES OF COOL.
THE RULES OF COOL.

The cell phone rings -- and Alex hands it to Maluu.

ALEX:  Excuse me.  Phone for you.

MALUU:  It is?  For me? (into cell phone) Hello?

ALEX:  AM I THE EXCEPTION TO ALL THE COOL RULES?

MALUU:  -- Hello?
ALEX:  COULD I BE COOL? 

(Alex pushes Jimmy at the door)

I like the sound of that. 

I COULD BE COOL.              
JIMMY:  (inside the Stage Door) Cool!
ALEX:  COULD I BE -- ? 
MALUU:  (no answer) Hello -- Hey!  This phone isn't for --

Alex ducks and dodges and tiptoes past Maluu to slip inside as well.

ALEX:  I COULD BE, I COULD BE, I COULD BE COOL!
MALUU:  Hello?   
AleX:  I COULD BE, I COULD BE, I COULD BE COOL!
MALUU:  Hello -- ?  Can you hear me now?  Can you hear me now? 
ALEX:  I COULD BE, I COULD BE, I COULD BE, I COULD BE COOL!

Alex is inside the door.

MUSIC UP.

MALUU:  (ding!) Hey!  Where'd they -- ?

ALEX:  I rule!

The stage door slams shut.  The road-box revolves.

THE ORPHEUM STAGE, LOS ANGELES

Explosion of music, lights, applause.  This is ROYCE IN CONCERT. 

© 2003 Doug Cooney
Last Updated 22 Apr 2011
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